Milwaukee,
"Am I an ass for thinking I could get some help or should I just fully support her now so you don't think less of me."You've already said she makes more money than you... So, if her debts get paid off, and you do it together, who do you think will benefit ultimately? Think about it, spouses who are married to a doctor (in most cases) go into a relationship with a HUGE amount of debt... but they also look towards the POTENTIAL... Look to what your GF's potential is, not what her challenges over money are.... As a COUPLE, you can do far more than you can do as an individual... My guess is if you asked her to contribute financially, it wouldn't be a question, as she had done previously... but if you approach her and say in essence - "this is MY house" do you think she will feel welcome? Do you think that will be bring her closer to you in any way? All it would show, is that after YEARS together, there is a wall between you that she cannot pass, and it will reinforce her money issues and her challenge with it.
Being that you've said you would think about a ring when her debt is taken care of, do you not think it would be better to say something along the lines of -
"I've been thinking of the future. You know I am concerned with your debt challanges (don't say problems), and even though this is technically my house... I put the down payment down, etc.. I eventually want us to share this as our home and when we get married, get it put in both our names.... so where we used to share the rent, I am wondering if we can use that money towards a common goal we can share as a couple, like savings (maybe for marriage), or maybe half towards savings, and the other half put extra money towards getting rid of your debt. This will put us in a better position for when we do get married down the line. Rather than starting off in debt, we can start off on the right foot. So being that I bought the house and it is in my name, and I am ultimately responsible for it, whether the market turns or not, I will make the payments for it. In the meantime, so you don't have to worry about rent, we can use the money you would have had to use for rent towards something that benefits us as a couple. Let's open a JOINT savings account, and we'll use the money for????"To make sure things stay on track, do both of your bills together... This will show what you are putting out each month and she will see how you are doing, while at the same time be motivated to do better because of it... Love and Respect go hand in hand...
Just some thoughts...
RE: RookieNYC
"You cant live off the fruits of love so dont pay much attention to those other postings.."Well, as an adult, you can certainly choose what postings to pay attention to without having to be told... it's one of the advantages of having multiple POV's... You will ultimately follow what you feel is right anyway...
"In the real world it takes money in a currency form to pay bills.."Noone says it does not... the difference is in how you treat the one you say you love... You can use the $250/month to draw you closer and work TOGETHER towards a common goal which brings you both closer (whether that is debt-repayment, paying for a marriage, vacation, etc.) ALL of which you BOTH benefit from...
It's not like we're saying let her take the money and go party with it...
"And the last thing you need is to play parent and financial advisor to your current gf.."In that line of thinking, you should look out for you and only you... If you love someone, you do it not because you have to, but because you want to... If you see your GF struggling trying to pick something up, do you just sit there and watch her struggle, when you know you can help? After all, the last thing you need to do is play parent and technical adviser on how to pick things up to your current girlfriend, right?
Noone is saying do it FOR her, we are saying do it WITH her...
"Have something drawn up and maybe she will get annoyed and leave,or maybe she will be thankful you were so upfront and sign..Its a win win for you.."Interesting concept of losing the woman you love that you've spent that past years with over MONEY, of which you've already said your are not rich (paraphrasing), being a "win-win"... Quick way to end up alone... NOONE is perfect... I'm sure you have your shortcomings also... her challenge is finances... You gain MORE from being at her side to HELP her (not do it for her), than you do in thinking that a prenup insulates you... Just look at the Rich and Famous who can afford the BEST lawyers and prenups... watch what happens to them....
"You have already witnessed what happens when these thngs arent taken care of in advance with your dad.."Yes, and you are not your Dad... I'm sure you have other examples in your life, where the OPPOSITE is true and you can learn from their SUCCESSES... you are your own individual... Don't limit your life on such linear thinking...
"If she is a decent girl and truly cares for you she will sign with no questions asked.."Interesting definition of a decent girl... someone who does something, no questions asked... think about that... Then, conversely, the definition of a decent guy would be to drop it, no questions asked...
"That will prove that she isnt just some mooch out for free ride..If she goes ballistic ranting and raving she is playing you for all its worth..."Or maybe, she will be hurt that you are defining your relationship only in monetary terms... FYI, you don't have to give her a DIME if you don't want to...
"And if she does sign I bet in time it will make your relationship stronger and you will grow closer and eventually you will want to give her more.."If you don't ALREADY feel you want to give her everything, a prenup will not change that... relationships are give and take... one party is usually stronger in one area than the other... yours happens to be the finances... you can choose to continue to be there for her, or you can separate yourself emotionally and financially from her...
"Trust me..My wife taught me a valuable lesson by signing the antenuptial like she did..And she didnt even argue or say a word about..She said simply Im marrying you for *you* not your money..."Milwaukee has already said he is not rich, so they are at a point where they are starting off life together... the two are not analogous....
"Made me feel like a heel sort of but I had to protect myself and at the same time I really truly saw where she stood....Now 10 years later we have grown so close.."And would you keep anything from her at this point? My guess, from your comments, is no...
"Like I said if she doesnt sign or bitches about doing it dump her and dump her fast.."If you love her, that is HORRIBLE advice... Love is what you are willing to give and do for the other through your actions, NOT what level of protection you glean from it...
Good luck on whatever precedent you choose to set for your relationship...
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